citharize

Somehow I made it through the year. 2008 is, thank any god within earshot, dead, dead, dead. Bring on the new experiences in 2009! Last year was not a good one for me, and so I’m glad to have a new slate in front of me. A new beginning, at least in the date.

Last was a year of failing for me—failing to have the life I wanted, failing to do the work I needed to get it, failing to live up to expectations, giving up almost entirely. I failed at that last one too, luckily, and now I’m almost completely over the depression. I know I’m done. I’m done making excuses, being pathetic, not living up to my potential. 2009 is going to be a year of success for me, or at least a year of dedicated work. I’m ready to make things happen.

But first, a few loose ends tied up.

one: My psycho ex-roommate asked me to give eyewitness testimony of her boyfriend beating her to a jury for a restraining order. I didn’t especially want to, seeing as I’d never even seen him raise his voice at her (although I have seen her hit him). It turned out to be a moot point, as for all intents and purposes, they’re having sex again. (What the hell.) On New Year’s Eve, she talked to us in the first time for nearly a month, apparently asking for a ride. We met her downstairs briefly, and she asked me how my girlfriend was doing.

The last time she asked me about anything in my life was in early November. It shows. “I don’t have one anymore,” I said, and as she started in with “Oh, I’m so sorry!” my phone rang. I glanced at the caller ID and picked it up, breaking into a grin as I did. “Happy new year, Heathre!”

My awesome ex-girlfriend has the best timing ever.

two: Both the dog and the cat have suddenly very strongly imprinted on me. The dog was always cuddly, but now that the cat realizes I am a big animal from which to steal body heat, he’s jealous and has started to spend every moment he can trying to cuddle with me, reasserting that I’m his mommy, dammit. The cat (whose name has inexplicably changed to Katjana) has just started to sit on whatever part of me is available, which lately has been my back as I hunch over this computer. This would be more awesome were it not for my mild allergy to cats.

three: I’ve quit smoking. For real this time. Except for a slip-up, I haven’t had a cigarette since December 31st. Same as my Pagan new year’s resolution, but I failed that so miserably we’ll just move it over to the conventional one. The simple reasons are that it’s expensive and usually unrewarding. Already my breathing is easier, and it’s only been three days.

four: I got a problem. You know what my problem is? My problem is that I’m not assertive enough and confident enough. I need to go out and take what I want, not wait around waiting to figure out when it’ll happen to me.

Cross your fingers and send me some good energy. I’m going to break out of this rut.

Once again, my entire life's gone upside-down.

( ... motherfucker. )

After that pathetic little display of emo, let's have some happy. I have NO IDEA how this happened, but I now have a cat.

This morning at approximately 1:00 AM, we added Miss Alyssa Jones the kitten to our apartment family. It was a complete surprise. My roommate went home to her family's house, her sister had rescued a litter of kittens from being shot, and she fell promptly in love with one of them. She is eight weeks old, a total cuddlebug, and absolutely terrifying to Harvey. I'm crossing my fingers he gets over his fear of cats.

So, this is old news, but it needs to be said anyway. A few weeks back, my cell phone broke beyond repair. I've since had it replaced, but I've lost all the numbers on the previous ones. I've managed to salvage a few of them off of peoples' facebooks, profiles, et cetera, but I feel kind of stalkerish tracking people down, and it's much easier to get wrong numbers that way. So if you're in the States and you'd like me to call or text you, e-mail me at imakereaverscry@gmail.com or just leave me a comment here-- these'll be screened. P.S. My phone number's in this friendslocked post, if you want it.

Also, if you haven't heard from the Seattle sector in a while, it's snowing. And, hooray, two-thirds of our apartment doesn't have heat at the moment because we moved in in the summer and our landlords apparently never foresaw that it would need to be used eventually...

The new psychiatrist yesterday was okay, except for her making fun of my desire (which in the wake of this depression, has turned into a driving need) not to go to school. It's not that I'm anxious about it (although of course I am), it's that I've never gotten anything out of a school and I've hated every experience I've ever had with one. Dealing with assignments, class schedules, and students and teachers is just not something that I can comfortably and sanely do. The only reason I even applied to art school was because my parents want me to have a four-year degree, not because I want one or even want to study art or be an actor anymore. (They don't get how hard it is to go to a place dedicated to bringing alive the dreams that no longer mean anything to you.) It doesn't help that at all my former schools, all the students either a) openly hated me, or b) even if they liked me, would refuse to talk to me unless they couldn't be seen.

Anyway, the psychiatrist put me on a low dose of Prozac and mocked my inability to go to school. I'm still angry and I have no idea why she thinks either of these things was a good idea, but at least I'm playing the good little mentally-ill girl and taking the help I don't want.

Mom asked yesterday if I would be safe alone. I tried telling her that it's being around other people that makes me angry and destructive; when I'm alone I'm just very sad, which is unfortunate but hardly a dangerous emotion. Her response was to try to get me to stay with her and to never be alone for the rest of the day. Jesus.

I'm pretty sure I'll be dropping out of Cornish within the next few days, but at least the mental hospital looks a little less likely right now. As long as I can stay away from the people and the things that are impossible for me to deal with right now... Maybe I'll stop being crazy and just go back to being a pathetic unemployed uneducated loser. At least I know how to do that.

Updates still seem to fit best in list-style, so I’ll be sticking to that for a bit.

• Still working at Large International Fast Food Corp. I’m taking almost exclusively night shifts now, so I’m working with a crew of cheery, unshaven crude men. Why is it that the assistant manager is a total creep, but all the ex-cons I work with are so nice?


• Aforementioned creepy manager also keeps trying to hit on me, God knows why. I’ve been open enough about my preferences that most of the males see me as one of the guys, but this guy doesn’t get the hint.* His ideas of pick-up lines? “That lip piercing is interesting, but not as interesting as some other places you could be pierced!” and “Here’s a joke your girlfriend might like:** Did you know 60% of women are battered? Here I’ve been eating them raw all these years!” Both of these followed by crazed, hyena-like laughter. I’ve spoken to my lawyer (I usually call her “Mom”) about his remarks and she’s advised me to tell the asswad next time I see him that one more strike and I’m reporting him and taking legal action.


• On a much happier note: It was blindmadness’s birthday yesterday! Happy 19th, Maja! I love you and you’re one of my best friends in the world, I’m so glad you were born. ♥


• My roommate/best friend Megan’s family is adopting two Ethiopian orphans this week, so while her parents fly to Africa to pick them up we’re playing host to two of her younger sisters, starting tomorrow. The 7-year-old has expressed an enthusiastic interest in Constance, while the 13-year-old is bringing Reptar, her kitten. This ought to be interesting.


• I mentioned something in a locked post a while ago about my roommate fighting with her boyfriend. The other night I think their relationship ended—apparently he’d physically attacked her earlier in the day because she was “misbehaving” and “needed to be taught a lesson”. All this after the girl had a major surgery two weeks ago! My friend and I picked her up from his apartment at one in the morning, crying so hard she couldn’t stand up for over ten minutes, while her boyfriend sat and casually smoked pot in the corner. Basically, I’m trying to keep her from seeing him again.


• Next Friday is payday, and while a copious amount of my paycheck is going to be eaten by credit card payments, the rest is going to be more or less free. I’ve been considering some body modifications lately but I don’t know if I’ll get any of them—a tongue piercing is a possibility, but I don’t know if I’d go through with that. There’s also the tattoos I’ve been wanting to get on my legs, a pair of wings from my ankles a la Hermes, but if possible I’d like lyotto to design those, so those might wait for my next visit with her. Saving all my extra cash for a plane ticket’s probably a much better idea than getting a body modification right now, anyway.


• I have a lot of writing to get done soon, but at the moment I’m a bit more preoccupied with other things—I’ve been geeking out to music lately, picking up my bass and Megan’s guitar and attempting to play the lead guitar tabs of songs on Hermia, my harp. It’s failing miserably, but it’s unbelievably fun. Maybe one of these days I’ll learn to actually play.


• My computer, Elijah, is ailing again. This time, I think his cord refuses to transfer a charge, so he's out of battery indefinitely. I'm getting my mom to call the Apple store when she gets back from visiting my grandparents and take him in for a replacement disc drive and a new cord before his warranty expires.

*For some reason, he’s forbidden any of the other men working there to curse or talk about sex while around me (because apparently I’m a “lady”), but he’s totally allowed to talk about my pink bits. His reasoning, I do not understand it.
** “Your girlfriend?” As if I’m dating a rabid pearl-diver but my clearly heterosexual lips will never grace a snatch? The entire joke is tasteless and inappropriate and could, if taken to an extreme, be read as a threat to rape and beat me, but for some reason this part bothered me the most.

dreamsofstars did it, and I just realized I haven't posted in a week/haven't posted a meme in this journal ever. So I'm popping my lemming cherry with every character I've roleplayed in the last three years that I feel as if I could still formulate an in-character response for.

Gather all your RP journals, list the characters and any AU versions you RP. Open the post to the public so even lurkers can ask the muses questions. Respond with that RP account.
--And since I know at least one person on my flist has a character who might like to talk to one of mine, spontaneous roleplaying and in-character conversation (between any characters!) is totally encouraged.

( Well, I'm a waste like you with nothing else to do-- may I waste your time too? )

Holy shit, that's a lot of puppets. If nothing else, let's count this as a reference post.

-- Okay, two updates one right after another is obnoxious. But this deserves its own post. I've been playing e-mail tag with the art school I applied to, because it's a week after the latest they were supposed to tell me whether I've been accepted.

The first e-mail I opened up this morning:

Marika – you have been accepted to the theater program. I will process your acceptance and get you the official letter in the mail in the next couple of days. Congratulations.


B. D.

Admission Counselor

akdhfklahdfkhasd;kfhas;jkdbfhkasdhf. I'm officially a theatre major.